(my nervous face...as a baby)
My knees and hands haven't stopped trembling all morning.
I took stock of why my body felt so buzzy: haven't had too much caffeine. I haven't had any sugar. I worked out (which usually works as a "grounding").
It could be because I just conquered a big fear and went to get my nails done at a place I'm usually pushed around at. I had to take a big steadying breath to book my appointment and then repeat a mantra to myself ("you're fierce, free and full of fire", taken from the latest book I'm in love with) and get ready to forcefully speak up for myself and my vision of pink nails with a rainbow on my ring finger. I also had to prep myself to say "no thank you" if I was sat with the woman who made 5 out of my 10 cuticles bleed last time. (Manicures haven't been relaxing for me in awhile. Especially when I go in with a colorful vision that takes some explaining.)
But no. I know that's not the real reason my body seems to be holding this twittering deep in my bones.
You know that feeling when you're in line for a rollercoaster or thrill ride? When you body goes a little floaty numb and if your knees could knock together they would? I had this feeling recently so it's committed to memory.
***
We took the kids to the Great Wolf Lodge over President's Day weekend. We found a good deal and needed a small getaway with our family to escape the winter doldrums. I'm not a huge thrill seeker, but I did work at two water parks and have memories of being pretty brave going down some crazy slides before the parks opened. So I convinced myself that I'm tough around water rides.
The Great Wolf Lodge has a slide that you enter singly, standing up and they close the door to you so you're in a transparent tube. Then you hear a beeping count down "three, two, one.." and then the floor opens up underneath you and you slide straight down in a narrow tube. You're instructed to cross your arms and legs and plug your nose.
Ben immediately wanted to do it. And it's moments like this that I can just see what type of kid he was. Quick to say yes and be brave and quick to prove he wasn't scared as he followed the lead of his older brother. I don't think it's false bravery; I think he really likes scary things.
Meanwhile the kids and I were quickly traumatized by the every few minutes loud crack of the trapdoor opening on this slide of terror. Just the sound of it sent a few chills down my spine. The kids teared up at even the thought of Ben mentioning we should do it. Heck, they kind of cried when he said he wanted to do it, my sweet, overthinking and always feeling emotional canaries-picking up on feelings not even the people they're feeling for are feeling. (Can you tell that "FEELINGS" is a theme in our home?)
My legs were still numb after the first waterslide we did: a tube for four that sent you down a wide, unassuming tube slide only to open up to a wide "toilet bowl" type scenario where you cascade UP and then DOWN like a skateboarder at a skatepark. The combination between me doing the whole thing entirely backwards and my nerves not being steadied at knowing what to expect, I stood up at the end a little woozy and adrenaline-filled. I was happy to just swim in the baby pool with the kids for a bit.
Which we did, until Ben said he wanted to do the drop slide (or maybe that was the second day?!). Either way, I knew I had to at least go watch him. The kids and I stood by as he cooly entered the tube, gave a "hang loose" sign to the ride operator and then shot down the slide faster than I could scream FOR him.
As I stood at the top, our kids waiting for him at the bottom, I thought "I should go down too...just to surprise them all.." but I didn't, and headed down to meet my family. But that nagging sense of "don't let this get the best of you" "how good would it feel to be brave and just step into something scary" wouldn't leave me for the next few minutes.
With my own adrenaline coursing through my veins from Ben's drop, I said rashly, "I'm going to do it too!" and Ben high fived me (and our kids literally teared up. "NOO MOM!" they said. I think mostly because they liked the solidarity of all of us hating that scary ride together).
But I marched up to that slide with little time to think, crossed my legs and arms and plugged my nose and waited for the operator to close me into my tube of terror. I heard the beeps and then before I knew it, I was speeding down the slide. "Stay loose!" the ride operator had told me before I went down. "It hurts less." Those words were in my head as I ended up under water, unsure if the ride was over and if I was okay to stand up.
I stood up, cheered, wooped and turned to see that no one actually cared at all that I had just faced my fear! HA! But I felt as proud as when I finished my first half marathon. And I rode the high of Ben being so proud of me and then, no joke, I felt untouchable the rest of the long weekend. When a snag would hit in life or an uncomfortable situation came up, I remembered going down that crazy slide and I felt invincible. Because that's what facing what you fear does: gives you confidence and courage.
I love reminding Mimi that she can do hard things when she's nervous. I remind her of when she went to camp for a week far away from home. I reminder her of her first swim meet or her countless dance recitals or her oral surgery. "You can do hard things" I tell her and I tell myself on a weekly basis.
***
So THAT. THAT feeling of standing in life about to get shot out of a slide where the bottom falls out is the the sort of trembling I feel in my body today. No joke.
And mentally, I feel fine. It's just any other day. I'm not particularly worried about anything or burdened. I'm actually pretty excited. Tonight, we're taking Mimi to register for MIDDLE SCHOOL. And I feel like I should feel sad or scared or I don't know what, but I'm so pumped for her and she's excited too.
But because our bodies don't lie to us (I just heard this from one of my favorite authors, Jen Hatmaker) I would be remiss to try and not listen to what it's telling me, even if it's deeper than the surface that I can decipher.
Because let's face it. In a way, this new chapter of Mimi's life will be like that slide: exhilarating and fun and worth celebrating, but also super-fast paced and losing a little control. It may hurt. It probably WILL hurt (I'm not pollyanna enough to think anyone comes out of Milddle School unscathed. And I'll be trying to remind myself DAILY of the butterfly coming out of the cocoon analogy that the struggle is what makes the butterfly strong; Lord help me to sit on my hands or words when I want to take the struggle or growth opportunities away.
And there's more. I'm days away from going back to work full time as a sub for a fun class whose teacher (and my friend) will be on maternity leave.
I've shadowed, taken notes, have the binder and know it will be great, but there will be hard days there too. Days when I feel like I was a less than great instructor. Where I was reactive rather than proactive. Where I miss seeing my kids faces around hall corners. But saying yes to hard things makes you feel strong, brave. Just like the slide. And if I can loosen up, maybe it won't hurt so much.
And, I'm going to apply for positions that come up to be back in my own classroom full time. And HOLY MOLY. I swear to you that when I wrote that my head just got a bit dizzy..no.joke. I swore I'd never go back because I didn't think I could handle it all. But then I saw some great school communities and teachers who left at reasonable times and supported each other to have the best balance or "work life satisfaction" that they could have. But it's scary. It's scary to step into the tube knowing it will be HARD. I may be gripping my nose so tight with my eyes clinched shut and may not know which end is up. But hopefully during those times I'll think to open my eyes and stand and realize that the water I thought I was drowing in was only mid-calf deep (insert wide-eyed emoji- I literally cannot write without that guy). And I'll feel proud of being brave to not just sit on the sidelines out of fear. And I know people have classrooms every day and don't die (things I told myself about the slide and also scary plane rides..).
ANNNNNDDD...I am applying to get my masters degree. A decision that came fast but felt right in this new stage of life. I'm hungry to learn about what's going on in education since I left and I know teaching AND life is always better done in community. So I'm hitting submit on that paperwork and I'm crossing my legs, arms and plugging my nose. (Maybe I'll even give the "hang loose" sign like cavalier Ben).
***
So, my hunch after closer inspection under the hood, is that even though in my brain and on the surface I'm mostly just excited about all of these new adventures, my knees are knocking a bit and my hands are trembling because my body knows it WILL be scary. I won't have control over when the bottom drops and I may not know when to open my eyes up or when to stand up. But I know that I'll be better because of it all. And I'll walk a little taller also being an example of not letting fear run your life. Memories are made from the adrenaline moments, that's why rides exist.
Thanks for letting me talk it out. I could tell I was getting a little frenetic energy going when I rearranged our living room and couldn't stay off of instagram. This felt like I slightly healthier outlet.
And now, to go finish my book that I'm in the middle of (and who am I kidding hopefully start AND finish the one that just came in the mail) like my life is ending tomorrow. It's not- but I know my time won't be as open and causal and I'd like all of my plot lines tidied up and finished so I can start on the next story line...my own new adventures.
Love, mackenzie
