"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times."
"We laughed, we cried..."
life is full of contradictions, isn't it? And especially life with children. Rich and Judy Swanson (our dear friends with 4 kids) had a quote on their fridge. It said,
"Kids keep you young, but first they make you old."
Of course that made no sense to me until I had my own.
***
I volunteered at VBS this year. Actually I said I'd be a VBS Jr. coordinator. I just said "yes!" I think I prayed about it..? But I didn't even ask what it entailed. How could that happen?
Let's back up a bit.
I've been on a journey over the last 6 months or so (probably even longer than that). In December, I'd start the day feeling floaty and disconnected. No matter what I'd eat, or didn't eat. It was debilitating. I was dizzy and super irritable. Could it be too much coffee? Too much sugar? it had to be something. I was discouraged with trying to find out why. At that time I was also emotionally distraught over trying to decide if more babies were in our future. That is a big decision to make and I envied the people to whom it was clear what they should do. And when I say "distraught" I mean crying. A lot. All of the time. It was bleak around these parts.
Well, long story longer, I changed some eating stuff and went to see a doctor per the encouragement from a dear friend who knows me well. {she was actually the first of two or three people to tell me that I just wasn't myself}. Going to the doctor helped, I was honest about my emotions stuff (which is hard to do. You can rationalize it away: I'm stressed because of parenthood, or this or that...) but if other people noticed, there's probably something more. So I got on a low dose of some meds, came to a miraculously clear decision on the kid front (we're good with two) and started to feel so much more like myself; just normal. Not euphoric. Just reasonable and even and well..normal.
So, the scene is set. I started the season feeling so great. I had a new lease on life. It was like I had been using 10% of my brain and switched into using 15% or something...like a giant WHOOOSH of air into my life sails...and it had me going full speed ahead. After feeling so limited by having babies, or feeling awful and saying "no" to everything (or being resentful when I didn't) it felt so good to jump in feet first. Before I knew it I had added a few different dimensions into my life: continuing to teach our sunday school class of two year olds with Ben, hosting life group at our house, started a business, created a website, volunteered to host a foreign exchange student for part of the summer...and the list goes on. Now, you have to know that none of this felt like too much. It all felt right. I wasn't doing anything out of obligation or guilt or out of an empty bucket...I was full and ready to do life. It was a new chapter.
And that's when everyone started calling me "Superwoman."
Not just one person, or two, but a lot. At first it felt like a compliment. But then I got self-conscious. Was it too much? I slowed down my pace and looked around. It was suddenly clear that no one really was running with me. I didn't know many people who felt okay taking on what I had. Was it good? Was it bad? I just wasn't sure.
Finally at the end of Spring, I was taking part in a fieldwork study (yes, I had signed up for that too...) where two people about my age sat at my table and we talked about coffee. It was fun and odd, all at the same time. I felt like I just jabbered on (because that's the point of those things.) But in motherhood, rarely do we sit down and just gab about ourselves for a length period of time. Usually our conversations are punctured with "Bode, don't hit her!" or, "yes, I'll take you to the bathroom" and other wonderful things like that.
When the fieldwork people asked me what my typical day looked like and it took 20 minutes to answer, they looked at me bug-eyed. Then replied, "how do you do that all?"
Hashing it all out made me even more self-conscious.
But apparently not enough to evaluate too much.
The "superwoman comments" and the bug-eyed fieldwork employees should've been my clue that my ship was about to sink, and I did, in fact, have human limits. Sort of like that part in Toy Story when Buzz Lightyear is trying to fly out the window of Sid's house...At first, he looks like he's flying. He's got momentum and is soaring. But then, slowly he starts to sink.
The momentum in my life had me saying "yes" to EVERYTHING.
Even when I got the call to coordinate the VBS Jr. Not out of obligation or fear of disappointing anyone, but because my busy happy life pushed me to embrace something else in my schedule collection. I was toddler less, not pregnant, feeling good and ready to take on the world. Bring it on!
Then my hot air balloon of happiness started to sink back into the atmosphere of reality. My photography jobs were clashing and taking more time than I planned. And I learned that the position I had just said yes to involved planning and prepping and well, you know...COORDINATING. Before I knew it, I was driving breathlessly back and forth to Boulder for meetings, missing my kids swim lessons (because they were being carted back and forth with me) and was just plain strung out. The worst was that my mom and Rodger took the kids for an overnight so Ben and I could hang out with each other, and I was at church for at least half of the time.
It took going overboard to realize my limits. Sometimes you have to cross the line to find the boundaries. And I guess, I do in fact have them. So I won't be resentful about the whole thing. I'll learn that I said yes, when I should've said no. And now that lesson is deeply imprinted on me.
I'm glad to still be learning.
***
So now that all of that back story is out of the way, I can post the fun/cute part of it all. And please understand, this isn't a knock on anyone else but myself. When you're really supposed to do something and it's God's will...it's the most amazing thing. I think with this, I grabbed the assignment too quickly that may have been someone else's "good work" for them to do. Lesson learned. And I know that God grew me through it and hopefully reached those kiddos I had with His love.
my sweet benny, carrying my supplies with a smile...
He was probably smiling because he got a call that he'd been waiting for for EIGHT months. He got a promotion and a new position within the company.
Divinely, this was the night that the kids were with the grandparents, so we were able to celebrate!!!
That's my blurry, cell phone attempt at capturing the full moon.
a full moon + Friday the 13th= Ben's lucky day
My little creation...
The awesome decorations through the church.
They were so so cool.
When something for kids lacks magic or creativity, it disappoints me.
This was MAGIC.
This was a hallway the kids would walk through.
There were bubbles and water sounds...
They were all designed by our kids quest's pastor's wife
Now for the cutie kids:
That's Bode. Reading a hymnal.
(we had 23 kids 4 and under in the sanctuary. I had help. Lots of a great help. But with this group we could've had a 1:3 adult ratio...)
The first day at least half of the kids were coloring in the hymnals.
That is, when they weren't climbing over pews and running up to the stage.
The BEST VBS setup crew ever.
Snack time!
This was cupcake day. Can you tell?
So many cute faces! (I'm not sure how many kiddos pics to put, so these are the kids whose parents I know :)
Every day we were outside the same time that Mimi and Charlotte were. I loved getting to see what they were doing :)
Do I feel proud for what we did upstairs? You bet. It was stretching and many blessings came out of it: relationships with kiddos and their parents at my church, and also with the women whom I was in the trenches with each day. We all came together and made it happen with God's grace.
But who I'm most proud of is Bode.
4 hours (really...5 for him) is a looong time for a little guy.
Especially for a little guy who has to act like his mom is a teacher, not his mom.
It was hard.
But I loved getting to see moments like this:
And this:
We did lots of painting and lots of play dough...
(and also lots of listening for the ocean in shells)
...and lots of silly faces, and lots of smiling.
Our middle school and high school volunteers were THE BEST.
They were the dearest girls ever. The kind that just jumped in and took the initiative.
When they walked in every day, I swear that I saw halos on their heads.
The "after hours" crew
Our growing collection of crafts
(I took a picture...before I snuck most of it in the trash)
Sad faces for the last day
(is Bode a little brother or what? He's always looking up at his sis...or charlotte :)
Our fun scuba masks...
(I had to document our messy room. The pictures don't even do it justice. At this age, it's all about putting out fires...the last day was no exception. In a span of minutes we were wrestling scissors away from kids, breaking up fights with a wooden baton-my kid, thank you very much, taking bubble bottles away, etc...)
(again, not complaining. Just keeping it real. It's what I do here on team turrill...)
(has anyone noticed the trick that puzzles are? The kids dump them, and the grown ups are the ones who put them together... hmmm...)
More cute scuba faces
THE FINISH LINE
(after a little slip 'n slide on the lawn)
***
The good thing about hard work is that it makes the down time even sweeter. Once I finally got home and picked up my head, I realized that it's SUMMER! I am anxious to read some of the books on my nightstand (and Ben bought me a People mag...:)
The kids came home, got in Winnie's crate and played pirates while eating swedish fish and watching Jake and the Neverland Pirates.
Then they were going to look for treasure.
From the other room I overheard Mimi say, "but you know what the real treasure is Bode? GOD."
And that, my friends, is how we know that the whole week was worth it. Thank you VBS.
xoxo
And thanks Lord for using me-messy, in process but willing. I love you. Thanks for teaching me this week.
***
And now I leave you with this quote from Beth Moore:
"Come walk with Me, whatever shape you're in, no matter how wounded or bruised. Just bring Me your whole heart-even in ten thousand shards-and let's walk the rest of this thing out together (2 Chron. 6:14).
He will never lead you into the path of a freight train, but He'll meet you in the carnage should you choose that route. He will never veer you from your destiny but, should another path seduce you, He can turn a long, ugly road back home. When you find yourself unwelcome where you thought you'd been sent, He'll help you move on. If you walk life out with Him day to day and season to season, even what seems like the most futile detour will end up taking you to a spot where a piece of your puzzle hides."
***
